Your Soul Food for Friday June 19th 2015

Happy Soul Food Friday!

This week:

Love Is

Humor: Colonoscopy Journal with Pulitzer Prize Winner Dave Barry

Investing in Love and Precluding Personal Bankruptcy with Will Marre

Employee Ratios  to Watch in Your Organization with Anthony Demangone

Smiles for You with David Zinn:

Humor: Colonoscopy Journal with Pulitzer Prize Winner Dave Barry

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!’

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes – and here I am being kind – like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose, watery bowel movement may result.’

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.  You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.

‘You want me to turn it up?’ said Andy, from somewhere behind me…

‘Ha ha,’ I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling ‘Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,’ and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies…

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

  1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
  1. ‘Find Amelia Earhart yet?’
  1. ‘Can you hear me NOW?’
  1. ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’

5.  ‘You know, in Arkansas, we’re now legally married.’

  1. ‘Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?’
  1. ‘You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…’
  1. ‘Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!’
  1. ‘If your hand doesn’t fit, you must quit!’
  1. ‘Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.’
  1. ‘You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?’

And the best one of all:

  1. ‘Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?’

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Investing in Love with Will Marre:

Will Marre

Employee Ratios

Written by Anthony Demangone

We credit unions love us some ratios!

ROA. Delinquency ratios. Fixed asset ratios. Efficiency ratios. The list is long, and important. If you know your ratios and track them, you can see trends jump off the paper.

But not everything can be boiled down into a ratio. And that’s too bad. Because I’d love to see the following ratios put into play.

Negative energy ratio. This ratio measures how often an employee brings a Debbie Downer attitude into a discussion. This is measured by dividing the number of negative/gloomy/whining comments by total workplace interactions. Anything approaching .25 or higher should entitle a prompt corrective action.

Gotcha ratio. This ratio measures how often a colleague helps you, while zinging you at the same time. You’re not sure whether to say thank you or curse after such interactions  “Paul, can you send me the results from that audit?”  “Sure, Tina – you mean the results I emailed you three days ago?” “Yep, Paul – you got me! Those are the ones.” The ratio has a risk-based component – weighing gotcha’s more heavily if given in a public setting or during a crisis.

Life preserver ratio. This ratio measures how often an employee fixes a problem versus how often the run to another employee to have a problem fixed. A high ratio means the employee is a self-starter with responsibility. A low ratio means that other employees grimace when they see your extension ringing their phone.

The “I’m sorry, what did you say” ratio? This ratio measures how often an employee comments about something off-topic during a meeting. This could be called the “Demangone Ratio” at NAFCU. I have a bad habit of hearing a comment that gets me thinking. By the time I mention something, that topic is about 10 minutes old. My hand goes up. The conversation halts. Eyes roll. If you hear “we’re getting off-topic here” after you speak on a regular basis, you may need to work on this ratio.

The Problem/Thought ratio. This ratio measure how much thought a person has given to a problem before they discuss it with a supervisor. A high ratio would correspond with an employee who has identified a problem and thought about every possible solution, as well as a recommended course of action to fix it. A low ratio would be found with employees who use an auto-forward rule with problems. When a problem comes to them, it simply is forwarded on with little or no thought.

The Anti-Aircraft Gun Ratio. The higher the ratio, the more likely the employee loves to shoot down foreign ideas. This is also risk weighted, with a heavier emphasis given to shooting down ideas in public, or with a condescending tone.

I’m sure I’m missing a few ratios.  Shoot me a note if any others come to mind.

Smiles for You with David Zinn:

David Zinn

Thanks this week go to Larry H, Sue S & Debra S for bringing us Dave, Will, Anthony & David

Pay it Forward!




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s